Texts From Last Night: FV Edition

[Kaiser Kittes]

(509): Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".


(484): In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

(310): It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
(415): That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

(651): I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

[Jamie Kober]

(650): I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

(409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

(954): Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

[Edgar Christopher]

I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?

Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

[Kaiser Kittes]

(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

(469): You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

(720): Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

(715): your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
(608): HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

(920): YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

[rodentfanatic]

SATI
It’s not a good hook up if during you’re thinking “how will this damage me psychologically”

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

EVA
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It’s my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

I think I just ate eggs off a plate covered in cocaine.

[Eva Isaachar]

EVA

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

[Edgar Christopher]

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody. (This one's probably about him.)

Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

[Willow Roth]

Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.