Texts From Last Night: FV Edition

[Admin Main]

The game's simple. Go here, find some texts that your characters would have and could have wrote, and post them here.

[Parker Lee Jones]

Parker

(407):

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

(630):

I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.

(720):

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

(516):

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

(360):

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

[Eva Isaachar]

There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.

Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY

They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.

there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends

[Edgar Christopher]

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

Watching her eat just hurts me

Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers

I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

How external is "for external use only"?

[Lucas Gorecki]

(847): I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue

(512): I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted

(860): They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

(859): I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

[Warren Houlihan]

The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.

So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

[Eva Isaachar]

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...

I have a theory he's part Neanderthal

Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

[Basil Marwick]

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.

I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

[William Tracy]

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours (Congratulations, you are no longer Will's friend.)

Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?

[Warren Houlihan]

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'.

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

[Sati Beshara]

I have a theory he's part Neanderthal

you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

Maybe it’s cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

[Eva Isaachar]

dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for “What Not To Wear.”

I am not getting arrested in a wig

I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.

Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

[Penelope Fitzcain]

Parker:

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

[To the whole apartment complex] there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker... [about Will]

Will:

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end

and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket []

[Thomas Lyons]

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

New Moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

The only thing the cop asked me is... "How are you still alive?"

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

Today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married.

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

[Edgar Christopher]

I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?

Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session

So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is

He sent me a winky sad face. I cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.

I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?

I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.